Hummer
	• Hummer H2-It's No H1 Humvee • Hummer H3-Street vs. Off Road • Hummer H1 Alpha

Kevin Federline could put on a dusty, moth-eaten poncho, grow a weeks’ worth of stubble and squint his eyes, and he still wouldn’t be Clint Eastwood. Paris Hilton could get bigger implants and talk in a breathy whisper, but she’ll never possess the raw sultry appeal of Marilyn Monroe. Too much glitz, Paris. Not enough guts. Maybe that’s what bugs us the most about the Hummer H2. It pretends to offer the same romance as the H1 – its military bred, battle-tested big brother. But the H2 just comes off as camo-painted plastic. An M16 replica, firing paper caps.

Mr. Eastwood has been scarred a few times. Ms. Monroe walked down a few dark alleys in her day. In military parlance, they’ve been “blooded.” Likewise, the Hummer H1 has spent a few uneasy nights on the battlefield, and the experience authenticated it. By contrast, the toughest battles K-Fed or Paris have fought have been scolding the paparazzi while taking their Shih-tzus out for walkies on Sunset Boulevard…having arrived in their Hummer H2s. Which is about the toughest duty the midline Hummer is ever asked to perform.

We’re generous, open-minded folks here. If a vehicle has the chops worthy of praise, we’re the first to praise it. The sad fact is that there’s nothing the Hummer H2 does that can’t be done better by any number of other vehicles for half the price.

 

Except posing.

 

The Hummer H2 poses really well.

 

It has Arte-Johnson-on-a-tricycle acceleration. Foot-in-a-bucket-of-pudding brakes. It takes corners like Foster Brooks on a bender. It guzzles gas like it’s on a bender. From a dynamics and efficiency standpoint, the H2 has nothing going for it. This isn’t surprising, as GM – by dropping a Hummer skin over an outdated Suburban chassis – found a great way to maximize profit for minimal investment. The margins on the H2 must be making GM accountants weep with joy. Let’s face it, folks: $55,000 for the H2 is the granddaddy of all fleece jobs. Frankly, we applaud the General’s chutzpah. If Hummer buyers are that deluded, why not capitalize on it? We would.

On the road, the H2 is a squashy, ponderous toad of a truck, without even the packaging efficiency of its GM brethren. Off road, things change somewhat, as the H2 benefits from being a toad here, too. High ground clearance, ample torque from the ancient 6-liter overhead valve V8, and differential-locked all-wheel-drive allow the H2 to scramble through the rough bits with the swamp-dwelling amphibian’s tenacity. All while getting about 10 miles per gallon. More or less. Mostly less.

 

But of course, if anyone has actually driven this $55,000+ toad off road, it’s only because they’re on a bender. No, it’s much more likely to be seen piloted by bling-bearing gangsta wannabees and bottle-blonde rich girls with a cell phone in one hand and eyeliner in the other. And there must be plenty of those folks out there, as the H2 still seems to be selling well enough. Be that as it may, it has never been, nor will it ever be, a worthy successor to the noble H1.

 

You might be able to pull on Superman’s boots, but you’ll never get off the ground, pal.

…if you’re untroubled by ridicule.

 

…period.