Hummers
	• Hummer H2 • Hummer H3 • Hummer H1 Alpha

The history of the Hummer, that slab-sided freight car on rubber tires, is one of acute irony. Designed to charge iron-jawed across the world’s toughest terrain and into the teeth of danger, filled with Army Rangers toting serious firepower, the most hazardous duty it performs today is at the hands of overzealous parking attendants at overpriced clubs.

Here’s a vehicle whose silhouette is so big and whose ground clearance is so high that you and your boys can play a comfortable game of rugby underneath it without banging your head on the transfer case. It has a reserve fuel tank. It can selectively deflate its tires, for that little bit of added grip as you cross the Kalahari – or the Costco parking lot. It’s one of the most highly capable cross-country conveyances ever built.

Unfortunately, it’s also a massive – and unfunny – joke.

This is not the Hummer’s fault. It was created to serve a specific purpose, and serve that purpose it did, admirably. Back in the 70’s, military types were keen to find a replacement for the M151 Multi-Utility Tactical Truck (or MUTT) – what you and I know as the Jeep. Tried and true, tested in dozens of military campaigns for decades, the Jeep was simply worn out. It was time for something better: something larger, safer, stronger, and better equipped for a wide range of tough jobs.

Enter the HMMWV – for High-Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (even the acronym is massive) – manufactured by AM General (a vestige of American Motors) that first saw military action in 1985. The very image of tough-as-John-Wayne, testosterone-soaked military muscle, the vehicle went to work in jungles, deserts and mountains, moving troops and supplies across country that would leave its predecessor Jeep shivering and whimpering for a Milkbone.

Street Cred

As the Humvee’s military reputation grew in the late 80’s, an ex-bodybuilder, rising Hollywood star and future governor would acquire a Humvee for his personal use – presumably to protect him from the Kalashnikov-toting, Democracy-fearing terrorists lying in wait for him as he drove Maria Shriver to her manicure appointments in the Hollywood Hills. Arnold made the Humvee (now called the Hummer H1) cool for the street – cool enough that Tupac Shakur bought one and launched the hip-hop-Hummer craze. Just as the military Humvee was associated with the dull metal of grenades and M16 assault rifles, the civilian Hummer became associated with the shiny gold metal of bling rings and chains. Anybody who thought they were anybody drove one. And still does. From the muscular bulk of Arnold Schwarzenegger (he owns seven), to the skinny frame and limpid eyes of Adrien Brody, Hummers are as popular with film, television and music celebrities as silicone implants.

 

Fighting A Losing Battle

Unfortunately, as the Hummerphiles were making the vehicle into a status symbol on the streets, the military vehicle was facing tougher times. With the advent of Desert Storm and the more recent unpleasantness in Iraq, the Humvee is falling to its knees. Literally. Terrorist tactics such as roadside bombs, surface-to-surface missile strikes and rocket-powered grenades have made the Humvee a sitting duck in the desert. Part of the problem is with the engine, a turbo-diesel V8 that’s so underpowered, the truck simply can’t get out of its own way – or the way of an attack. Hundreds of soldiers have died in Humvees, because the vehicle is now being asked to serve as a tank – a duty for which it was never designed.

 

“No problem,” say the military strategists. “We’ll just slap some armor onto the thing. That’ll keep our boys and girls safe.” So now, in addition to the two-and-a-half tons of the basic Humvee’s mass, the little-engine-that-couldn’t-in-the-first-place is now being asked to schlep around another couple tons or so of armor plating.

 

The result?

 

Speed, handling, and functional range have plummeted. Humvees on the battlefield have an average major mechanical failure every 300 miles. Tires blow out after a single patrol. Acceleration – the ability to get troops out of danger faster than they got into it – has slowed to a crawl. You can get out and run faster than this thing. The do-it-all Humvee, master of mobility, is finished. The contracts with AM General will not be renewed, and the military brass in Washington are scrambling for a replacement.

 

Meanwhile, Back In Neverland…

In 1999, General Motors acquired the Hummer brand, and later introduced the Hummer H2 – a smaller, more user-friendly but less terrain-capable vehicle than the H1. And the Hummer craze reached fever pitch. While the H1 was (and still is) a purpose-built off road machine, GM simply took one of their medium-duty pickup truck frames and grafted a Hummer-lookalike body onto it to make the H2. GM has added several additional models to the Hummer line, including the H2 SUT (a Hummer with a pick-up bed) and the H3, an even smaller SUV with Hummer looks. There’s talk now of the release of an H4, a direct competitor to Jeep’s Wrangler. But most of the Hummers you see on the road are H2s and the new H3, and most will never be used for anything more hazardous than a trip to the hair salon.

 

Nevertheless, Hummer is humming. GM’s overall sales are continuing their recent bleak streak, with most divisions posting double-digit sales losses again. But Hummer sales are up around 54 percent from last year. In the Middle East (where Hummers are more likely to be used for their intended purpose), the truck is more popular than ever, increasing sales over last year by a remarkable 368%. As most Hummer owners tend to have higher incomes, they’re less concerned about the vehicle’s dismal mileage: the big-boy H1 can get 12 miles per gallon of diesel…if you drive like Aunt Nettie. Realistic numbers are around 8-9 mpg. The H2 delivers virtually the same numbers, while the much smaller H3 approaches 19 mpg. This is only possible because of the anemic 5-cylinder engine in the H3, and the obvious tradeoff is in acceleration and passing power – of which the H3 has none.

 

Still, the H3 brings Hummer style and some off-road chops at a much lower price point, starting around $30,000. This is a very attractive range for people who want the Hummer mystique, but can’t afford the mid-$50,000 base price of an H2, let alone the $135,000-plus they’ll drop for the H1 Alpha. Needless to say, the Hummer is an expensive way to shuttle Buffy and Jody to the sleepover.

 

There’s the irony we mentioned. A vehicle created for danger, built for soldiers, designed for overland mastery, is now the vehicle of choice for rich, fashion-victim suburban soccer-mom dilettantes. It’s a sad fate for a remarkable vehicle.